Carson Jude Johnson
Carson Jude Johnson, or Callie, is the coolest goddamn person you've SEEN
Personal Life/Autobiography
Well.. i suppose it all started when i ate the magic crystal that looked like a metal tube. I was going foraging, you see, for mushrooms that could possibly heal my ill wife Barney Calhoun, when all of a sudden i found this metal tube. I pulled out my phone to post a picture to r/foraging to see if it could heal my wife, but it made my phone camera glitch. I didn't want to make my wife sicker, but i could TELL this tube may have potential. What i did was i drank my wifes spit, got sick from it, and then nibbled the tube to see if it would heal me.
And boy did it work! Infact, i was the strongest i'd ever been. I let my wife nibble it and he started floating up to heaven. Huh, so it doesn't work on everyone. I needed to research this. So i posted the staticy picture to r/foraging anyway and also put the tube in a glass box so it's camera glitching effects would be lessened and took another picture. Everyone was yelling at me about.. plutonium or something? I decided they were FBI agents trying to steal my miracle cure.
So i drove down to the beach and threw my phone into the ocean. That way the agents can't track me. Now, before i could publish my miracle cure to science, i had to get my wife back! I saw him land onto the moon so i was headed there. I went down to the home depot and asked if they had a ladder that could extend more than 238,900 mi. The employee looked at me like i was crazy! But, after i showed her my miracle cure, she nodded and led me back into the backroom of Home Depot. "This," she said, "is the Secret Room. Our parent company Black Mesa gave us this stuff and told us only to ever sell it to people who have worthy things to trade. You," she jabbed a finger at me, "have the perfect thing. I need 1/8 of it and i'll sell you the ladder."
"No way!" I exclaimed. "I need this to sell to the people. They need my cure!"
She shrugged. "Okay, guess you aren't getting our limited edition beyblades either then." Okay listen. They were REALLY COOL and my inner Tommy Coolatta would be sad if i didn't buy it. I walked out of their with a one inch ladder that looked inconspicuous, but all you had to press was a button and too the moon you were! So i had the ladder to get there, now i needed fuel and a space suit. Luckily, i had just the thing. I went home and emptied my fishbowl. "Sorry, Finn." I said to the flopping salmon on the ground. "But i gotta save Barney!" Finn looked up at me.
"O-okay," he said, "i understand, Papa." Woah! Fish can talk? Before i could ask anything, Finn suffocated. I had salmon risotto that night to honor Finn, and i saved the leftovers to eat on the way to the moon.
So i had the transportation, helmet, and fuel! It was time to save wifey. I went into my backyard, pointed the ladder at the moon and pressed the button. Wowza! It extended super fast and i swear i saw some dust fly off the moon onto Earth. Mostly because of the thin sheet of glitter that fell from the sky shortly after i extended it and how everyone started coughing. But, i already had my helmet strapped on, so i was safe! I put the Finn rosotto into my backpack and started climbing and climbing. After an eternity, i got to the moon and saw Wifey laying there. "Barney!" I exclaimed.
"C-Callie..." he coughed. "You.. you came back for me. Its too late for me.. but.. thank you..." We had one final kiss and i screamed "NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!" when his heart stopped.
So, yeah, thats pretty much my life story. Kinda tragic but im ok now!