Excallusber
The Excallusber, also affectionately dubbed the "о божа дапамажы мне я бачу як ён ззяе ўдалечыні" (English: "Cool Sword"), is a craftable melee weapon for Sir Feet and a weapon of mass destruction secured and contained by The Mario Party. Various military historians have described it as a loooooooooooooooooooooooongsword with 24 o's; a class of dubiously magical battle-worn swords coated in a fresh coat of red paint (and also Belarusian blood).
History
The Excallusber had belonged to famous general Julius Caesar before being abandoned and later obtained by Sir Feet. It was not used as a weapon, but rather to be used for making comically big meals for the people of Rome, spurring the invention of Caesar Salad. After Caesar's death, it had become an artifact of the emperors of Rome before its fall in 476 AD. Likely transferred across barbarian lines, it ended up in the forests of Podlachia, where it had been forgotten and buried inside a giant shoe. Once rediscovered in the medieval period, it became a popular monument in Poland where warriors would test their strength by trying to kick it off of the shoe, to no avail. This is where Sir Feet was believed to have obtained it, as it disappeared from historical records near a similar time to where Sir Feet began appearing in folklore.
The detainment of Sir Feet at the Lithuanian-Belarusian border has allowed scholars to investigate its properties further. The steel-like material comprising its blade has been carbon-traced back to then, while the handle may originate from there. Testing its function has been extremely difficult due to its extreme size and weight, however, it has been observed to carry a regenerative effect upon shedding blood; particularly from those of Belarusian ancestry. Contact with pre-eradication Belarusian blood samples has proven to be a cure for any wounds, genetic disabilities, and previously-incurable diseases known to man; tests showed leukemia, Ehlers-Danlos syndrome, clinical depression, arthritis, and gender dysphoria within patients either being completely eradicated, or making the required biological or psychological changes for them to be fully negligible. It was hoped that the weapon would be used by the scientific community to cure mankind's woes. However, Sir Feet escaped from prison, and was able to steal the artifact with ease.
Following the prison escape, Sir Feet fled to The Mario Party's headquarters. There, Perry Llelogram, in a fit of sanity, made an agreement with the United Nations to trick Sir Feet into using a fake copy of the sword; reconstructed atom-by-atom, but without its magical properties. Even if his ownership is still considered "possession of a WMD" under international law, if it is completely replaced, is it still Excallusber? The answer is yes because philosophy is dumb and for nerds. The cursed Excallusber is currently in the basement, next to The Mario Party's other WMDs.
In containment, incidents have scarcely occurred, and Sir Feet's wrath has largely been satisfied. Worries in the international community rose, however, when The Computer negotiated with the government of India to deliver the blade as a weapon against Pakistan, in exchange for the country's entire nuclear supply. Similar negotiations had also been made with Saddam Hussein's Iraq, Israel, France, the United States, and Russia. None of these deals have come to fruition, however, believed by many to be as a part of The Mario Party's bid to gain diplomatic leverage over certain global institutions.
Demonstration
Crafting recipes
| Eyelander | Gunboats | Challenge Crystal | Refined Metal | Refined Metal | Refined Metal | Refined Metal | Excallusber | |||||||
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| Excallusber | Shaving Cream | Texas Slim Dome Shine | ||
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| Excallusber | Refined Aquamarine | Horseless Headless Horsemann's Headtaker | ||
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| Excallusber | Archimedes | Larrikin Robin | Baron Talons | |||
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| Excallusber | Perry Llelogram | Two Equilateral Triangles | ||
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Trivia
The existence of the Excallusber has caused speculation within the historical community.
- Some experts have speculated that Sir Feet's immaculate shoe size may originate from the Excallusber's curse. This belief originates from a before-and-after photo of Sir Feet with and without normal-sized sabatons, the only difference being the missing sword in the first photo. Sir Feet has refused to comment on the matter, saying "I SAYETH, THOU FOUL SWIVERS, THINE PORTRAIT IS BUT A FARCE! HO!"
- When Gabe Newell was asked about the Excallusber and why it was in the game, he broke down into tears and gave me a VHS before running away.