California seal ion

The California Seal ion is a consumer grade ion-emitting handheld device designed and shaped to look like a seal. It was created by inventor and scientist Nerpus Scubertson and was distributed to every resident of California.

Consumer technology has never been cuter!

Background and development

As detailed in Scubertson’s Biography: Nerpus Scubertson: Thinking with seals The idea for the California Seal Ion came about after he had an electronic mishap at his home residence, where one of his autonomous seal locators began to emit a horrible pulsating noise that was causing disturbances across the neighbourhood. The only way to stop it was an ion blast, but it turned out that nobody owned any sort of ion-blasting devices, thusly requiring people outside the neighbourhood to do it instead. After discovering such a thing had occurred, he set to work on a simple and easy to understand ion emitting device that would be issued to every resident of his home state of California. After making a prototype he showed his invention to the Californian government, who loved the idea and funded the mass production of ion emitting devices for everyone in the state.

Function

The California seal ion is designed to be held with two hands at waist height. The device turns on when the back fins are pushed into an upright position. The front fins are used like a joystick to aim the ion blast, with a trigger on the back of the body used to fire an ion blast. The general idea is to emit a short range blast of ion to disable various home electronics that have malfunctioned. A screen on the back of the device shows many numbers, but it is unknown what they mean.

Unofficial Functions

Through the use of unauthorised modifications, Some unofficial functions of the device have been found. This includes increasing the duration and power, to that of significantly greater amounts than normal. Ports for a laser emitting device add-on have been found, though no official hardware has been released. People using these unauthorised functions of the device have reportedly gone missing, which has led to many not trying them.

Reception

The California Seal ion has no reception, as it is not designed to connect to cell towers.

Criticism

Many critics of the device claim that giving one to every resident of California sets a bad precedent for other states who do not have the technology, which may lead to people coming to California just to get one. Scubertson has responded to these claims with a series of seal noises, showing that he doesn’t see it as a problem.