Melon John
Melon John is NOT related in any way whatsoever to a pianist pop sensation born on March 25, 1947. Rather, he is a world-renowned actor famous for his starring roles in the hit films Avatar Like The David Cameron Movie Part 9 and This Movie is About Nothing But Smashing Watermelons with Hammers. He is the current record-holder of the celebrity that has gone the longest without realizing that they are now famous; as of September 30, 2022 he sits at 60 years, 2 months, and 8 days and counting. Melon John has a suave, cool personality that has attracted the vast majority of his fanbase, who call themselves the "Melon Ballers". He is single and ready to mingle, so if you happen to be a hot fruit babe that enjoys activities such as skydiving without a parachute, consuming alcoholic drinks, and solving The Toy Where You Put The Shape In The Corresponding Hole, please contact him anywhere where fresh produce is sold. Thank you.
Early life
Like any watermelon, Melon John was raised on a farm in 1986 for the first 20 years of his existence. He spent those 20 years being a seed in the ground absorbing shards of broken DVDs that had been incorporated into the soil after a truck carrying loose DVDs of every single movie ever released had crashed into a nearby ditch and exploded violently. Because of this happening he inadvertently acquired enough knowledge of film to become a world famous actor as soon as he was plucked off the patch. For at that moment, a camera was recording the farmer that had harvested him for the documentary The Sad Pathetic Life of Niko Okin Neepa Nyerpa Nerpa Nyorpa Eepa Eepy Yucky Ucky in a Bucket. The documentary would go on to make a staggering $400 quadrillion in box offices, settling a multiversal record that would immediately be broken by Melon John's next film, Every Simpsons Episode Played Back-to-Back, where 1 pixel of him was visible for 1 frame in the episode Homer Goes Thermonuclear. Simpsons made exactly 400 quadrillion dollars and one cent throughout its theatrical run. From that point onwards, Melon John was a star.
The incident
In the year 2023, Melon John was set to be a guest star in the Illumination Entertainment feature The Super Mario Bros. Movie. At the launch party, Mario Mario mistook him for an ordinary watermelon at the buffet and proceeded to eat him. This resulted in the movie being postponed indefinitely, as the incident was captured on film and everyone involved saw every excruciating detail of it. Melon John was hospitalized in critical condition.
In the hospital, more than 100000 Melon Ballers donated blood oranges for his survival. Because of this, he made a complete recovery. Mario has fallen out of favor with the public since the incident. When interviewed about it, Mario said "Wahoo! Yahoo! Whoopee!" The day after this happened he was found dead after every single Melon Baller who had donated to the cause had dumped every single blood orange in the space-time continuum on top of him while he slept, wiping him from reality permanently. As a result, Super Mario Bros. will never be released, as its main character no longer exists. Like the movie is just a series of video game characters talking to a completely empty space, it's really weird.
However, 2 days later, Mario survived. What this means for Toba Aquarium is up for debate.
Present Day
Melon John now lives on Hollywood Boulevard where he's been imprisoned in one of the little stars that you walk on. You can tell which one is him because it's made out of glass and you can see him in there... chilling the day away. Sunglasses on, not a care in the world. Day by day people walk all over the sidewalk and rattle his little enclosure, and tap on the glass like he's a little fish, but he cares not. He just stays in there, relaxing, dreaming. Maybe one day you'll be as cool and collected as Melon John, too.