Sammer's Kingdom
Your fortune: Good news will come to you by Sammermail
Sammer's Kingdom is a kingdom created by The Divine Sammer. It is the main location where Sammer Guys are located. As of now, King Sammer rules over the kingdom. He's so cool.[citation needed]
History
Your fortune: The one who will win Jream Island
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In 1920, The Divine Sammer competed in Battle for Dream Island and was eliminated fourth in a 12-4-1 split. He later came back into the game through a viewer vote and went on to win the first season, breaking the famous "rejoiners never win" rule. This allowed him full access of Dream Island, which was shortly renamed to Sammer Island. Expansion started in 1927, where the surrounding area became part of Sammer territory, and it was changed to the current name of Sammer's Kingdom.
Development of Sammer's Kingdom rapidly increased, and with that came the introduction of Sammer Guys, guards who are specifically trained for combat. Each guard got a name, and according to each ruler, any reference to media at the time is completely unintentional.
The Divine Sammer eventually got old and decided to hide away in His lakeside cabana for the rest of His days. Unsure of what precedents were in place for the next ruler, the people of Sammer's Kingdom decided to turn to a guy who had a crown for a head. Good ol' King Sammer was entrusted with the purple Pure Heart to stop some weird bachelor in a white cloak. You can now buy replicas of it for 75 cents a pop at the gift shop. With 75 cents in the bank, Sammer's Kingdom had a booming economy and an evergrowing surplus of Guys.
However, tragedy struck in 2007, when Cunt Bleck's black hole bomb wiped out the entirety of the kingdom, leaving it blank, with only the villainous Mr. L left. Because all of the guards were knocked out from the bomb, Mr. L took over the kingdom and renamed it to the Evil Mushroom Kingdom (any resemblance to other Kingdoms was a coincidence.) Mr. L later realized it kind of sucked to be the leader of a kingdom of nothing. He reigned for two months before the enigmatic King Sammer (then named Peasant Sammer) realized an opportunity: any purchases made on behalf of the kingdom that went towards its development would be charged to the current ruler's credit card. Using this loophole, he bought several trillion dollars worth of materials, workers, and energy, all dedicated to restoring the kingdom to its former glory.
Mr. L was immediately executed for his immense amount of debt, and King Sammer was able to take his seat as the ruler of (the now re-re-re-renamed) Sammer's Kingdom. He installed an entire new group of New Sammer Guys, later renamed to just Sammer Guys again, in order to protect the Kingdom from any further danger.
In 2012, the world ended[not really], which had grave consequences for the Sammer Kingdom.
Controversy
Your fortune: Better not tell you now
too many sammer guys :\ really padding out the game guys cmon
we already have like two pits of 100 trials did we really need this one
and all for some got damn cards!!?? fuck this game bro
List of Sammer Guys
6-1: Sammer's Kingdom
| Image | Name | Quote | Tattle | Note |
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Okin Slicer | "I am Okin Slicer, the one who slices ALL the Okins, but today, I will SLICE YOU!" | "That's Okin Slicer, one of King Sammer's legendary Sammer Guys… I don't support his seal slicing tendencies." | His name is a reference to Okin. |
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Pleasant Reverie | "My name is Pleasant Reverie, the bearer of prettier pages. FEAST YOUR EYES ON ME! We'll see who belongs in the brackets by the time I put you BACK IN YOUR PLACE!" | "That's Pleasant Reverie, one of King Sammer's legendary Sammer Guys… He used to work for his brother's law firm." | His name is a reference to the various aesthetic templates across the wiki. |
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Thing of Confusion | "I am a Thing of Confusion! Beware my Magic and Autism Powers... or some other third thing..." | "That's Thing of Confusion, one of King Sammer's legendary Sammer Guys... He's trying to find meaning in life." | His name is a reference to both Challenge 4 and Challenge 5. |
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Unsightly Chicken | “HALT! By merely stepping foot onto my gate, and by locking eyes with me—Unsightly Chicken—you have already lost my challenge. Do you back down now that you’ve laid eyes upon your opponent?” | “That's Unsightly Chicken, one of King Sammer's legendary Sammer Guys… He dreams of one day becoming a beautiful swan.” | His name is a reference to Chicken Game. |
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Shocked Expression | “You won’t forget the name of Shocked Expression! Prepare to be utterly astonished by the grievous loss you will face.” | "That's Shocked Expression, one of King Sammer's legendary Sammer Guys… Strawberry cake is his favorite.” | His name is a reference to :astonished:. |
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The Stub | “I am The Stub. I have kept a list of all challengers who have fallen before me. Would you like to help by expanding it?” | "That's The Stub, one of King Sammer's legendary Sammer Guys… He often runs into tables.” | |
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Skeleton in Metal | "Three facts about me: I have both an exoskeleton and an endoskeleton! My name is Skeleton in Metal! And nobody has ever harmed my pristine body!" | "That's Skeleton in Metal, one of King Sammer's legendary Sammer Guys... He's pretty stuck-up." | His name is a reference to Skeletons in media. |
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Luigi | "hi ii im my name is uh Luigi" | "HE'S NAME IS LUIGI" | His name is Luigi :) |
( these guys are pretty easy.... just be okay at dodging and you'll do fine )> :P
( the only one you really have to worry about is skeleton in metal, but as long as you have any armour piercing attacks or good damage, you're good )> ^^
6-2: Sammer's Early Duels
| Image | Name | Quote | Tattle | Note |
|---|---|---|---|---|
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Sammer 1 | "I am Sammer 1! I will Won this battle! ...what do you mean that's not grammatically correct? shut up...." | "That's Sammer 1. He only does things once....Doesn't this mean he could only breathe once? Or maybe he's just taking one really big set of breaths..." | His name isn't a reference, but it might be brought up again in a slightly clever way later on. |
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Challenging Crystal | "Congratulations! You've found a Challenge Crystal! You found this one by seeing it blending in with the Sammer Guys." | "That's Challenging Crystal. Supposedly, it tastes like fruity baikal meat." | His name is a reference to... wait a minute.... this isn't a Sammer Guy at all! It's just a Challenge Crystal! Quick, collect it! |
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Tag Who Drag | "I am Tag Who Drag, the immovable boulder who blocks this gate! Ignore the… tag… on my shoe. I merely forgot to remove it. Because... I just bought them" | "That's Tag Who Drag, one of King Sammer's legendary Sammer Guys… Legend says he has a secret weak point, and he volunteers at dunk tanks” | His name is a reference to Template:Drag CSS |
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Murder Man | "I am going to kill you." | "Hey this guy looks like Pin frmo BFDI. Like he's got the red top with the metal spike and everything. Fucked up?" | His name is not a reference to anything, unless you consider the concept of murder to be a reference. In which case, it is, to that. |
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One More Lane | "GUYS I SWEAR THIS IS GOING TO FIX ALL OF OUR PROBLEMS" | "Did you know? Gelatin is claustrophobic. He doesn't like tight spaces. This gives him a reason for pushing people off." | His name is a reference. |
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Michael Doomberg | "Halt! My name is Michael Doomberg, and my Link is fucking shnasty. Get with it." | "That's Michael Doomberg. I hear he runs a podcast with 'Sammer-spike'" | His name is a reference to Michael Bloomberg, of Michael Bloomberg fame. |
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Sammerandomrai | "Dtc, aKkiEdeBCdWK. To" | "That's Sammerandomrai. I have no idea what he's fucking saying." | Yeah I genuinely don't know what he's saying either |
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Warmonger Knight | They say if you find a job you like, you'll never work a day in your life. Well, you like beating Mario up with a big club. One of your favourite activities, really. You guess that means you don't work very hard, but it sure feels like work to you. | "That's Warmonger Knight. Be careful of his Ultimate Technique: WARSMASH! He hits you with his big club thing! | His name is a reference to the real life profession of fishmongers[not really]. |
/:0 <( here's where the fights actually get kinda tough )
>8U <( sammer 1, warmonger knight, murder man, these guys are actually SUPER aggressive. either play really defensively, or spam quick attacks )
LL <( the other ones aren't as tricky, but you gotta watch out for their more erratic movement. spec into speed-based combat! )
The team sits around the table, a mixture of boredom and anticipation. Your club rests heavy on the table.
I really,
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We know.
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REALLY,
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We know you wanna kill someONE!
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want to kill somebody.
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Whatever.
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ZgRiv, tI
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Oh my god.
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I'm just saying.
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No WONder we're only the second group Mario has to face. Everyone here sucks.
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There's no use arguing with these Guys, but you do take slight offense to that.
As a unit, the seven of you are nothing to slouch at. At least, the seven of you assuming Tag Who Drag comes back from his shopping run and One More Lane gets out of traffic.
It could be worse.
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Yeah, by definition.
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We could be working with Luigi.
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xlT, ZexH, smlAXjFSfmn
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That's true.
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I hate Luigi. I am going to kill him.
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Any of y'all play Paladins?
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You ask what the purpose of "playing" Paladins would be, when your weapons and holy quest already make everyone here a paladin .
I'm cracked at Androxus.
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You're really good with it?
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Uh... yeah.
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I guess you could say...
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You're a real WUNderkind!!!
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...
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YYskrFG
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C'mon, you know, wunderkind? Like, one?
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What does that mean?
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You already know that a wunderkind means a child prodigy, or more broadly, someone who is very good at something naturally.
You just don't say anything because you don't think Sammer 1's joke is worth acknowledging.
It means, like, someone who's good at something!
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Oh.
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So?
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Man, I was so proud of that ONE......
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wYp? fGajBodH! . N! gPHcodEmxKL Fs
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Hey guys I'm back from shopping.
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I'm going to kill you.
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HUH
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Your UPDATED fortune: Sammermail's news will bring bad tidings! Make sure to prepare!
6-3: Sammer's Proving Grounds
| Image | Name | Quote | Tattle | Note |
|---|---|---|---|---|
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"fuck you[im SO high!]" | |||
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Sammer 2 | "I am Sammer 2! Two-day I will kill you! MWHAHAHAHHAH!" | "That's Sammer 2. He only does things twice. Yes, he was born twice. Don't question it." | See, what did I tell you? |
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Guy with Glasses | "Just got my prescription! The world is so BEAUTIFUL!" | "You wouldn't hit a Guy with Glasses, would you?" | His name is a reference to how he is a Guy with Glasses. |
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Dizzifying Box of Wonder | “Be not afraid. Actually, be very afraid. For you stand before Dizzifying Box of Wonder. Gaze in amazement at my Hexahedral Somersault technique!” | "That's Dizzifying Box of Wonder, one of King Sammer's legendary Sammer Guys…He enjoys murals.” | His name is a reference to Rotating CSS Cube. |
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Suspicious Mirror | “Hi! I’m you! Ciao, guardian of this gate. Gee, that sword sure looks pointy. Would you quit pointing that in my face. NO! I WILL NOT! er, YOU WILL NOT. No matter!” | “This is a Duplighost. Duplighosts disguise themselves as members of our party. Max HP: 15, Attack Power: 4, Defense Power: 0 They love to attack in disguise. It seems like they're generally stronger fighters when they're not disguised, though.” | It's a reference to You, probably, |
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Mini Me | "Wow, Golf Ball! You look like a mini-me!" | "Wow, Golf Ball! You look like a mini-me!" | His name is a reference to how Wow, Golf Ball! You look like a mini-me! |
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Universal Constant | "Woh goes there?! Unless my own senses deceive me—which is possible as they are a completely subjective method of interfacing with reality—a challenger goes there! If that is true…your victory is an illusion! A falsehood! To defeat me is a fool's errand, no doubt!" | "That's Universal Constant. He likes multiple-choice tests with more than two options." | His name is a reference to universal constants like ture, flase, etc. |
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Sammerwhite | "Hey, I'm Sammerwhite. You know how some bunnies in the snow are white because it helps them camouflage themselves from predators? Well I do that toAND now I'm just realizing it doesn't snow hereFUCK." | "That's Sammerwhite. He drinks milk everyday, no matter how not thirsty he is." | His name is a reference to the fact that the color white exists. |
( these eight are all based around gimmick attacks, so normal strategies won't work )> I.I
( sammer 2 always does double the damage of what you'd expect, so make sure to expect really low amounts of damage )> :0u
( the guy with glasses can focus the sun's rays to create a deadly laser, but if you can knock his glasses off, he's pretty useless )> /8c
( box of wonder is really hard to dodge, so the best strat is to get good at parrying or just have lots of defense. they're not the only ones who can wear armour! )> ;/
( to beat yourself, just come with a companion or some extra items not on your person or whatever. pretty impossible without )> x-x
( sammerwhite is easy to see, but his milk consumption gives him a specialty in dairy-based combat. use acid attacks to induce the curdling effect! )> >:D
( universal constant is weak to fire attacks )> O.O
( uhhhhhhh.... there were two others....... i forget, just try hitting them really hard )> :P
6-4: Sammer's Endgame
| Image | Name | Quote | Tattle | Note |
|---|---|---|---|---|
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Spongebob Patrick | "Squidward Sandy Mr. Krabs Plankton Karen Pearl" | "Ms. Puff Larry Fred Bubble Buddy King Neptune" | The Paper Gary The Hash Slinging Slasher Nosferatu |
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Cage Above Lava | “In front of you stands Cage Above Lava. Choose your next moves carefully, as the wrong one will send you plunging towards an untimely demise. Turning back is not an option! Will you Accept defeat, Break down, or Crumble?” | "That's Cage Above Lava, one of King Sammer's legendary Sammer Guys… He likes watching detective dramas in his spare time.” | His name is a reference to a terrible, terrible decision. |
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Sammer-Rice | "We are all pawns in the game of chess we call life, but enough ramble. Time for the grand finale! votes" | "That's Sammer-Rice. If you defeat him, you get rice! Or you can double the amount of Sammer-Rices and fight them for double the amount of the rice prize! ...or you could just head on forward to the next Sammer Guy." | His name is a reference to something you probably already got at this point. |
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Unproven Value | "I have trained for years to master these theoretically-advanced fighting styles. AND YET! The likes of Sammer 1 and Sammer 2 still refuse to so much as acknowledge my existence. I’ll defeat you and PROVE that I am as great a warrior as them!" | "That's Unproven Value, one of King Sammer's legendary Sammer Guys…He sometimes goes by Sammer 9.” | His name is a reference to the unproven options on the Calculator page. |
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Evil Sammer Guy | "I AM EVIL SAMMER GUY! I AM EVIL! AHAHAHAH! OH HOW I AM EVIL! AHH HAHAH!" | "Oh geez, oh geez louise. That's Evil Sammer Guy. He's most well known for being evil, and creating the Youtube algorithim." | His name is a reference to the fact that you can be evil. Go on, try it! It's fun! |
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Guy Sammer | "I am Sammer, guy of Sams." |  |
This is a real sammer guy |
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Sammer Girl | "I am Sammer, girl of Sams." | "That's Sammer Girl, one of King Sammer's legendary Sammer Guys…She is a woman in STEM. (Sammer To End Mario)” | She is a reference to girl. |
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THE GOLDEN SAMMER GUY |
"I AM THE FINAL SAMMER GUY, THE GOLDEN SAMMER GUY. I WILL BE THE ONE TO END YOUR JOURNEY." |
"Dude can this guy like, shut the HELL up?" | h- he's made oiut of gold |
:&c <( the final eight... the best guys the sammer kingdom has )
ToT <( unfortunately... this is where my knowledge ends. they're all just too strong and mysterious! )
>:,J <( but if you use everything you've learned up until them, i know you can do it!!! )
Other residents
The Sammer Kingdom doesn't just have guards! There are many civilians you can see milling about the kingdom including:
- 100 dogs
- 25 big dogs
- 75 small dogs
- 10 medium dogs
- 10 medium antidogs
- 100 cats
- 99 big cats
- 1 kitten
- 4 mice
- 3 blind mice
- 1 stirring mouse
- 1 king of tricks fox
- ....
- 2 tadpoles
- 1 green tadpole
- 1 bloue.
- 3 bears
- 10,000 rats
- 7 associated rats
- 6 normal rats
- 1 large rat
- 9,993 unaffiliated rats
- 7 associated rats
- 100 hog
- 99 united hogs
- 1 hermit hog
- 2 pig
- 1 little piggy to market
- 1 piggy crying all the way home
- 3 horse
- 2 race horse
- 1 chill horse
- 9 birds
- 1 rock pigeon
- 1 flamingo
- 1
pheasantguinea fowlsiamese fireback - 1 peacock
- 1 chicken
- 1
marabouroseate spoonbill - 1 penguin
- 1 rooster/chicken
- 1
not a real birdgreater sage-grouse
- Some guys, who aren't Sammer Guys, despite being guys in the Sammer Kingdom
- Roughly 100
- Some girls also, probably
- Roughly 50
- Also some others
- Roughly 5000
- Some girls also, probably
- Luigi
Notes
Your fortune: Reply hazy, try again
we're so sammers
Goofs
- The shirts they sell at the shop say "I GOT BEATEN UP BY A SAMMER IN SAMMER's KINGDOM" when they SHOULD say "I GOT BEATEN UP BY A SAMMER GUY IN SAMMER'S KINGDOM"
- Despite claims to the contrary, many of the Sammer Guys do seem to be references to external media or concepts.
- This is theorized to be because The Divine Sammer is a talentless hack and is a bit dogshit.
- too many sammer guys :\ really padding out the game guys cmon
Your fortune: Huh... Is there something I'm forgetting?
Gallery
A photo taken of a tourist visiting Sammer's Kingdom.
Former United States Secretary of State John Kerry thought Sammer's Kingdom was so nice he did it thrice!
One time this guy did this
The original flag of Sammer's Kingdom
Just one of Sammer Kingdom's beautiful beaches!
Lemons are one of the Sammer Kingdom's natural exports. Just look at these delectable froots!
anyone else hate this fucking rigby render? its official, but it looks fake as fuck. god i hate it
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