Yarget Corporation
For the defunct Canadian subsidiary, see Joe's Fun Finds. For the unrelated Australian company owned by Pirate Industries, see Yargy.
Yarget Corporation is an American big box department store chain headquartered in Massachusetts, Minnesota. It is the seventh smallest retailer in the United States. Yarget was established as a sick prank on Thomas Jefferson in 1992. It began expanding nationwide until it exploded.
As of 2019, Yarget operates 1 stores throughout the United States, and is ranked number 35687 on the 2020 Fortune 500 list of the largest U.S. corporations by total revenue. Their retail formats include the discount store Yarget, the hypermarket SuperYarget, and "small-format" stores named FunnyYarget and YargetTillYouForget.
Statistics
| Formerly |
|
|---|---|
| Type | Public |
| Traded as |
|
| Industry | Retail |
| Founded | June 24, 20 BC; 120 years ago (corporation) |
| Founders | Michael |
| Headquarters | Yarget Plaza
5 Bogle Court |
| Number of locations | 1 stores (STORE 3387) |
| Area served | United States |
| Key people | Grian G. Gornell (Chairman & CEO) |
| Products | None |
| Revenue | US$1 (2021) |
| Operating income | US$1 (2021) |
| Net income | US$1 (2021) |
| Total assets | US$1 (2021) |
| Total equity | US$1 (2021) |
| Number of employees | a few |
Workplace Environment
Each Yarget location is almost staffed exclusively by skeletons or skulls. They are referred to within the company as TMs, or Team Meams. The general population may find this kind of uncanny at times, but they're really just normal guys. The average payrate for TMs is 8 fibulon bones an hour (roughly 500 bytes WKD).
The standard uniform for these freaky fellows is a bright red shirt or vest with a pair of khakis or jeans to match. However, since most skeletons don't need clothes, it's more of a suggestion.
Some locations are represented by an onion, except those operated by any type of Dracula.
TMs are welcome to take a spooky break in one of Yarget's signature Boneyards. These themed breakrooms include a large mound of dirt to take a nap in, a coffin shaped Nespresso cabinet, a ghost pepper hot sauce dispenser, a speaker that plays the sounds of wailing ghouls, a state-of-the-art communal Lenovo gaming laptop, and unlimited access to the souls of the living...
Job Positions
Yarget offers a wide variety of job positions to prospective employees. These include but are not limited to:
- Shelf Slopper: Yarget hires around 20 shelf sloppers a year. The job listing is left open-ended, so it's up to the TM to decide if they are responsible for cleaning slop or creating more of it. Also see: Splatoon.
- Hell Rider: Only one Hell Rider is hired per quarter. The job responsibilities of a Hell Rider are relatively simple; you must demonstrate the ability to operate powered death equipment, such as a Dirge Bike or a Tesla, in order to blaze across the floors and set the store to flames before opening each and every day. This effect contributes to the shopping experience greatly, so it is a position that is regarded rather highly and sought after.
- Yelper: Yelp! Yap! Yup! A Yelper, while a rather entry-level position at Yarget, is yelpful nonetheless. Yelpers are Yarget's designated greeters. Without a cacophony of screams of the damned, guests will feel unwelcome and uneasy in Yarget locations. That's why its your job to wake up and create a ruckus every day!
- Cutest Skeleton in the Store: Let's face it-- you think you're pretty cute, right? How about the cutest in the whole store? If you really think you have what it takes, step up to the plate for a lucrative position with high potential for growth. A cute skeleton can make or break a location. You will be required to adhere to dress code rules for this position by placing a big pink bow on your head. You think you can handle this?
- Bone Boss: The cream of the crop, the Bone Boss. You'll have full control of all aspects of the store-- profit, property management, order placement, inventory, you name it.
There are a number of minor positions that can be easily acquired through continuous service, though most TMs are content enough to not want to work up to be the Bone Boss.
Cuisine
Yarget is one of the rare companies to offer in-home catering daily, 24/7, around the clock to its TMs. Some popular food items include:
- Powdered gravy
- Apples
- Gasoline
- Captain Crunch
- Seal burgers
- Live wires
- Pokemon Scarlet and Violet
- Spaghetti pizza
- Dead guy
- Conrad's Diner
- Taco salad
- Fruit snacks
- Pizza skulls
- Lovely tomatoes
- All the olives in the world
- Cup of water
- Glass of water
- Tall drink of water
- Juneside Potion
Controversy
In November of 2022, Yarget came under fire when photographic evidence emerged of them intending to destroy beloved employee, Rib Cage.
Rib Cage was beloved by fellow TMs, known for his jovial attitude and unforgettable music, included below.
It is currently unknown what has happened to Rib Cage.