Animal Kingdom
| Animal Kingdom | |
|---|---|
 NATURE IS LOWKEY AMAZINGLY BEAUTIFUL..... | |
| Scientific classification | |
| Domain | rectangle.zone |
| Location | The House of Mouse, Florida |
| Synonyms |
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| Top 5 animals for beginners | |
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The Animal Kingdom is da jungle where all the animals are and there's a big king lion.[wrong]
The Animal Kingdom
The Animal Kingdom
The Animal Kingdom
Etymology
Animal Kingdom may be a combination of animal and kingdom. Contrary to popular belief, kingdom is actually a misnomer because animals became smart after a while.
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But together...We can make it a queendom!! |
The Animal Kingdom
Biology
Members of the Animal Kingdom typically exhibit the following characteristics:
- They are multicellular eukaryotes, the lot of them
- Their cells lack a nice and firm exterior wall
- They have free will
Beyond this, animals vary wildly. While most animals have a backbone, fur, milk production, an enlarged brain, and upright bipedalism, the others are not so lucky. The first animals were underwater and thus very wet, but eventually evolved the sensibility to get dry. To this day, all animals are either wet xor dry.
| Sample taxonomy |
| Animals of all shapes and sizes roam the Animal Kingdom. |
Animals are the only animals to have a brain. And even then, the loathsome jellyfish lacks one. With a brain, animals are capable of many things, such as emotions, fear of death, and problem-solving.
The Animal Kingdom
History
The Animal Kingdom was wished upon a star, willed into existence by an explosion most twee. It was the youngest of the the Seven Kingdoms, out-eldered by the Bacteria Kingdom, Archaea Kingdom, Protozoa Kingdom, Chromista Kingdom, Plant Kingdom, and Fungus Kingdom. Those first four are all useless specks (germs), so frankly they're basically the Puny Kingdoms.
The first resident of the Animal Kingdom was the humble peanut. It was sad and a little pathetic, but one thing led to another and the Animal Kingdom soon found its footing in a future blessed by smartphones and technology.
Post-History
Also known as the Future, the path ahead for Animal Kingdom remains all but uncertain. Eggheads predict that in just the next 10 years, over 99% of all animal life will go kaput. Due to the danger. Following such catastrophic collapse, the remaining animals will have to band together into an unlikely ragtag group of heroes to bring da freakin' animals back. Are you up to the challenge?
Super-Distant Future
The Super-Distant Future takes place over 30 million years after the Future. So many things could change in such a short amount of time. It is possible that animals of that age will be unrecognizable to us, if they exist at all. Whatever intelligent life remains will communicate in an indecipherable manner, saying things like "Honey, have you seen my iPhone 378? I need it to preorder my PS6."
Legal system and governance
The Animal Kingdom operates by the Law of the Jungle. The biggest animal is the king (typically a lion, though sometimes a rat). Whatever the king says, goes.
Heads of state
| Heads of state by lineage | |||
|---|---|---|---|
| Name | Position | Years | Notes |
| Peanut | King | 574000000 BCE – 573999999 BCE | Despite being a paltry thing, Peanut was King by default. |
| Peanut Jr. | King | 573999999 BCE – 573999972 BCE | Same size as Peanut, but assumed the throne via regicide. |
| Felidae-Huh? MRCA | King | 573999972 BCE – 573999900 BCE | The most recent common ancestor of the genus Felidae and Huh? |
| The Vole | Regent | 573999900 BCE – 573999898 BCE | The Vole was the interim ruler after the passing of the FH?MRCA. |
| N/A | N/A | 573999898 BCE – 46 BCE | World plunged into anarchical rule due to mishandling by The Vole, monarchy absent. |
| Caesar | Dictator for Life | 46 BCE – 44 BCE | Stabbed. |
| Elephant Andy | King | 44 BCE – 32 BCE | Rule returned to biggest animal. |
| Elephant Earl | King | 32 BCE – 24 BCE | |
| Elephant Paul | King | 24 BCE – 2 CE | |
| Elephant Tonia | King | 2 CE – 30 CE | |
| Elephant von Bark | King | 30 CE – 33 CE | |
| Whale | King | 33 CE – 105 CE | End of Elephant rule |
| Whale II | King | 105 CE – 168 CE | |
| Whale III | King | 168 CE – 254 CE | Problematic (see callout post here) |
| Whale IV | King | 254 CE – 310 CE | |
| Whale V | King | 310 CE – 378 CE | |
| Girl Whale | Queen | 378 CE – 512 CE | |
| Lion | King | 512 CE – present | Figurehead. The actual king remains a topic of spirited debate. |
Hierarchy
If you know, you know. If you don't, then, well...see Animal Kingdom § Cuisine for more...🤫
The Animal Kingdom
Culture
The Animal Kingdom is like a family.[1] Everybody knows everybody.
Cuisine
Animal Kingdom cuisine is distinguished by its heavy use of berries, peas, eggs, honey, and cheese.
| Cook book | |||
|---|---|---|---|
| Food | Genre | Ingredients | Preparation |
| Cheese + Berry Soup | Soup |
|
Prepare water to boil. After the first precious bubble pops, add cheese and berries. Stir for 1 minute, then serve hot. |
| CheeseBerry Soup Bar | Gelatinous bar |
|
Prepare CheeseBerry Soup. Pour into rectangular mold, then let sit in refrigerated cupboard overnight. Serve with powdered sugar. |
| Berry My Surprise | Shocking |
|
Gather berries and prepare in a dish. Cover dish with opaque veil, preferably black. Once served, remove veil to discover which berries were chosen. |
| Egg | Egg Humor |
|
Discover nest or burrow with eggs. Swallow eggs whole, then escape to avoid retaliation by egg-layer. |
| Honey-dipped Pea Mush | Mushy |
|
Place peas into mortar, or is it the pestle. Use pestle, or is it the mortar, to grind peas into fine mush. Grind until peas lose all individuality. Eat by hand, dipping mush into cup of honey. |
| Heart of the Storm | Shocking |
|
Soak heart in liquid mercury for 20 minutes to make conductive. Once saturated, place heart outside on an elevated surface during a lightning storm. Once struck, retrieve heart and coat in baking soda. Let simmer overday in direct sunlight. Serve in diced cubes. |
| Bread | Common |
|
Grind wheat into flour, then add to water to make a squishy dough. Add yeast to make the dough alive, then kill dough with high heat in an oven. Stop baking once bread has risen and turned a golden brown. |
| Toast | Uncommon |
|
Continuing from process of making bread, place bread slice on superheated metal coil. Pick a number between 1-9.
Remove slice once appearance matches number. One's gotta go 😂. |
...NOT! In this world, it's kill or be killed! Yup, it's true...
The Animal Kingdom is notable for its glorious invention of predation. While stupid plants and algae make their own food, some wise guy had the bright idea to just eat other things instead. Predation has the advantage of seeing badass blood and killing. The lowest peasantry of the Animal Kingdom selflessly sacrifice their potential energy to the cake layer above in some sort of scheme. Modern technology cannot easily render triangles on the web, so the dorito above has been stripped to its bare essentials. As shown, the king sits at the very top, reaping the additional benefit of accumulating all sneaky heavy metals and microplastics found in the lower levels.
Taboos
Taboos are a set of faux pas (lit. "fake paws") in a society that get you cancelled for doing. Taboos in the Animal Kingdom include:
Taxidermy
Taxidermy is the process of stuffing a dead animal silly. Unlike the noble teddy bear, taxidermy aims for realism over stylization. Thus, taxidermy is frowned upon and even blacklisted due to a lack of soul.
Murder
In the Animal Kingdom, murder is actually frowned upon, as it goes against the local sacred tenet of "𒁃", which means "to live". Don't get it twisted with predation, that's fine.
7
The number 7 is considered unlucky in the Animal Kingdom. No one knows why. This avoidance of the number seven produces s*veral quirks, such as animals avoiding having seven legs, or animals abstaining from working on all seven days of the week.