Seinfeld

Not to be confused with Nothing.

The Edit ConflictThe SealThe ThingThe NewsThe ConfusedThe UnwantedThe SeinfeldThe DiscussionThe Public DomainThe FlagThe MascotThe KingdomThe EpisodeThe LizardThe Hiatus

What! Oh I can't believe this! Can you believe this, Jerry?

Believe what?

This guy just edited my page, when I CLEARLY said "wip!"

So what, shouldn't you like the help?

Help? You think this is helping? If I'm making a ham sandwich I don't need someone throwing beef in when I'm not looking!

Okay fine, just undo their edit.

I can't.

Why not?

Cus then it'd be an edit war, Jerry.

Oooh, an edit war? That's no good. One time a guy undid my edit correcting the pH of motor oil. He said it was original research. Not pretty. IP banned, both of us.

Oh come on, a single undo isn't an edit war.

What's George upset about?

Someone didn't respect the sanctity of a "wip" summary.

I'm just saying, what kind of monster so blatantly ignores the common rules of decency. [George declines to tip the waitress.]

Jerry, I need you to hold this.

What the heck is this? What did you do?

No time for questions, Jerry. I'll go fill the tub.

Kramer I am not keeping a seal in my bathtub.

Oh I wasn't doing that. Those things reek of gasoline, I needed to purge the scent off myself.

Oh, God!

Wow. You weren't kidding.

Oh my God, that's Niko!

Don't name it, you'll get attached!

No, I mean, that's Niko! It's a world-famous seal, it was just in the news.

Kramer, you kidnapped a celebrity?!

Well it costs more to get a pedigree. I didn't know, I swear!

How in the world did you buy a seal in New York City?

I have a friend in the cement industry.

I have to say, Jerry, I'm not a fan of this new challenge. I mean, things? Things! What even are things?

What are things?

Do you know what a thing is?

Well yeah, a thing is a... well, it's a... well it's a thing... Oh my God.

Eeexactly. And how am I expected to make a page about something, that may not even be real!

A man enters.

Hello, Jerry.

Newman.

I couldn't help but overhear a discussion about... things?

Ah what do you know about things, Newman.

Oh I know a few things, alright. I'll tell you them in exchange for one of your things.

Yeah, no chance, creep. Now get outta here.

Alright, alright, I'll go. And I'll take my authentic certified Gold Greet with me!

Okay, fine. Whaddya want, Newman.

It's very simple, Jerry. I want your Nutshell Token.

My token? What could you want that for?

Ah ah ah, no questions. Just hand over the token and I'll let you have my things.

Newman is seen typing with his phone.

What are you doing? Give me that.

Jerry quickly yanks Newman's phone.

This is the article for that token. You're adding a clause where it eliminates me?

No, I- You see, I... HAND OVER THE NUTS!

Alright that's enough, get outta here.

Newman is pushed out of Jerry's apartment.

(distantly) You can't hold onto that token forever!

Hey, Larry, did you hear about the new page that was just created?

No, what's it about?

Yeah, tell us.

Apparently, it's a page about a letter.

Wow, a letter? Who knew they could make a page about that.

Yeah, it must be hard making pages about letters. I wonder if they will run out of letters one day?

thinks about it Yeah, I wonder that, too. What would you write about if you had to?

...

Jerry, I'm confused.

About what?

Why even are they called "confusing pages" when I don't see any necessarily confusing parts?

Perhaps you should look further into each page?

Well, I'm reading Olive Garden, and I don't see any confusing bits. Just some dialogue.

But there are... what? 42 other pages.

Does that answer my question?

Well, 42 is the Answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, The Universe, and Everything.

That was as confusing as the confusing pages.

Kramer enters.

Hey, does anyone have the answer to today's Wordle?

Do you have any dice and cards with you?

Who said I need a die when I only need my phone?

The wiki says so.

And then she just goes ahead and puts us all up for elimination! In one fell swoop! The nerve of some people, Jerry. It's unbelievable.

Well, maybe it's because you all made pages no one wanted.

That was the point of the challenge! That would be like asking for... for toxic waste and being surprised when you get Milk Duds.

Kramer enters.

Jerry. George. I need you to help me lug some things out of my car.

Aw no, did you take another visit to that Price Club?

Even better. Come see.

What is all this garbage? Sparkling water? An old home phone? An...academic essay about Super Mario?

Easy with that one, I'm in the middle of getting it published.

Kramer, where'd you find all this stuff?

Oh, big box laying there on the street. Had "unwanted" written on it. Don't know what that was about.

Yeah, clearly someone wanted all this.

...I'm starting to see where all our submissions went wrong.

Didn't account for the outliers, huh?

I'm Seinfeld. I'm a comedian who wants to be famous!

It's ok, you'll be famous one day.

Tell me a joke!

Two men walk into a bar...

...and one ducks!

Wow! That was a good joke. You'll become a famous comedian for sure!

Kramer walks into the room.

No you won't! Your joke sucked!

Why are you so mean!

I'm Kramer, and I'm mean!

Wow.

Now what sort of hijinks should "The Boys" get up to?

I don't want to be around you if you're going to make fun of Seinfeld like that.

Yeah, my joke was awesome!

That guy... wants me to go to HELL?!

Probably a troll.

WITH SEALS?!

What kind of person would say that stuff?

I don't know! It's not like they want me to be endlessly tormented by seals!

Is "Damn seal" even a thing?

Apparently, in the wide world of insults on the Internet, it is.

Ugh, what's with all the rhetoric about these things? First, some popular guy comes to my bathtub, and now someone apparently filled a circle of Hell with them.

I know, right? It's getting on my nerves, as if it was my personal circle of Hell! How would I respond to something as horrid as this?

Perhaps you should say that you're well familiar with the seal underworld, and that you've got your own pet walrus named Carl.

Oh, wonderful idea. That definitely wouldn't make me sound as weird.

Well, George... if you can't beat 'em, join 'em. Embrace the seal underworld. Maybe they've got good dentists and all.

Not at all, Jerry! I just want people to understand who I am and where I belong!

Well, good luck with that. In the meantime, I'll have to do my research over all this "okinesque" nonsense that's all over the Internet.

Whatever...

Hey, did you hear the news?

What is it?

Steamboat Willie just entered the public domain.

Steamboat Willie? As in... the old Mickey Mouse cartoon?

Yeah, that one. This means I can put Mickey Mouse in anything without having to worry about getting sued!

About time! What has this world become?

Kramer enters the cafe.

Hey guys! Did you hear about Steamboat Willie? It's finally in the public domain!

Yeah, we just mentioned that. What's got you so worked up about a 100-year-old cartoon?

Oh boy, I've got huge plans. Steamboat Kramer! Me sailing down the Hudson River, causing chaos and destruction everywhere!

Great, another one of Kramer's schemes. By the way, does Mickey Mouse have to do with any of this?

Yeah. Besides, he's in the public domain too. Can you imagine the horror?

...Horror? What are you talking about?

Mascot horror. You know... Five Nights at Freddy's? Baldi's Basics in Education and Learning? Garten of Banban?

Your point being...?

Someone's probably gonna use Mickey Mouse to haunt us in our sleep.

Yep. Imagine Mickey Mouse as the face of a horror movie. The iconic ears, but with a very sinister twist.

Great. Just what we need—The Nightmare on Main Street, starring Mickey Mouse.

And the tagline would be, "He's not so magical when the lights go off."

They all share a laugh at the absurdity of Mickey Mouse before he turns very evil.

You bet. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll start working on Steamboat Kramer. It's gonna be revolutionary!

Kramer exits the cafe.

Yeah, because the world really needs a Kramer-themed steamboat.

Well, at least it's better than Mickey Mouse mascot horror.

They clink their mugs.

That is Tokyo's flag? Am I really... seeing this?

What about Tokyo's flag?

Look at our state flag. It's just a blue rectangle with a seal in the middle.

But Tokyo's flag is also a single-colored rectangle with a seal in the middle.

Yeah, but Tokyo's flag is very minimalist!

Maybe we tried going for minimalism as well.

Eh, whatever. Two colors is lazy. See, New Mexico's flag is just a red symbol on a yellow field. Did they have no brown crayons?

And what's the deal with Delaware? It's just a big ol' diamond with a farmer plowing a field. Tan on cyan. Do the colors signify anything?

I don't know. It's not like they're simply trying to say, "Welcome to Delaware, where diamonds grow on trees and farmers are celebrities!"

Elaine enters.

What are you two babbling about?

We're discussing the sheer blandness of state flags. Take a look at these "masterpieces".

State flags? They all look like they were designed by committee. I mean, come on, Kansas has a sunflower? How original.

Yeah, because when I think of Kansas, I think sunflowers and not a sea of wheat.

Hey, did you know Chicago has the coolest flag? It's got two blue stripes and four red stars, all on a red background. Now that's a world-class flag!

Oh great, now we need Chicago to become its own state just for the flag envy.

Exactly! Flags are all about representation, my friends.

Representation? I thought they were just about making us question our geography knowledge.

What should we name him?

Him? How do you know it's a him?

I don't know, it just... slipped outta my mouth.

Well, all harbor seal pups definitely exude masculinity.

Alright, alright. How about Sammy? That's more gender-neutral.

Sammy? That's so basic. We need something with more flair.

What do you mean flair? It's a stuffed seal pup, not a fashion accessory.

I'm telling you, we need something memorable. How about Captain Salty?

Captain Salty? That sounds like a rejected character from a children's pirate show.

Well, I don't see you coming up with any better ideas!

Kramer enters.

Hey, what are you guys doing?

We're trying to name this stuffed harbor seal pup, but Elaine insists on calling him Captain Salty.

Captain Salty... Sounds like it came from one of those dime-store novels.

Oh... Not you too, Kramer.

How about we call him Seamus? It's got a nice ring to it.

Hmm... I don't hate it.

Fine, Seamus it is. But can we at least agree on some lore for this stuffed seal?

Lore? What are we, like, writing a novel now?

The challenge is called "Who is this?" for a reason.

*facepalm*

I say Seamus was a legendary harbor seal pup who braved the treacherous waters of the Atlantic Ocean.

And he fought off evil sea creatures to protect his fellow seals!

This is slowly turning into a children's bedtime story.

At least it's better than nothing...

Man, is this challenge about Disney World or something?

What's today's kerfuffle?

Apparently there are seven kingdoms that we gotta edit.

Are there any connections to Disney World or anything like that?

There's the Magic Kingdom.

Well, that's just one. And besides, as far as I can tell, there are more Kingdoms than theme parks in Walt Disney World.

And also the Animal Kingdom.

Taxonomy. Kingdom, phylum, class, order, family, genus, species- you get the gist.

Disney's Animal Kingdom.

...What did we see there again?

Y'know, gigantic baobab sculpture...

Right. How about EPCOT?

...

Yeah, some guy told me it's the Utopian capital.

Capital, lowercase, blah blah blah. I've grown way out of The Lion King.

Kramer enters.

Hey, I just had a ridiculous thought.

What is it...?

Kramer's Kingdom! Where the fun never ends!

Oh boy... One, it sounds very much like Sammer's Kingdom, and two, it's as ridiculous as Disney World.

Except it doesn't have to be! Go karting, bam! Thrill rides, bam! Seal Statue of Liberty, bam!

Since when were you obsessed with seals? First you put one in my bathtub, now you want a statue?!

Hey, it's just for the fun of it!

Alright, we've got to come up with something good. This TV show could be our big break, in addition to us potentially reaching the podium.

No pressure, right? Just the potential to change our lives forever.

Relax, George. We've got this. How hard can it be to come up with a half-hour of entertaining television in the form of an article?

I’ve got an idea! What if we do an episode about a guy who’s always late because he’s obsessed with finding the perfect parking spot?

That's not bad. There's definitely some comedy in that.

Yeah, and we can have him keep missing out on important things because he refuses to park in an available spot that's not perfect.

Alrighty, so who’s this guy? We need a name and a backstory.

Ooh, someone's calling me.

Hello?

Oh, Steve! You're just in time.

In time for what?

We're brainstorming over an episode of a fledgling TV show.

Well... I am a director after all. I turned the likes of Jaws, E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial, Jurassic Park, Indiana Jones, and Ready Player One to perfection.

Alright Steve, let's hear it.

So... ah, my wife is calling me. I'll be back soon.

Ugh.

So where were we?

Before Steve called out of nowhere, we were talking about some guy who doesn't park in time.

How about Stan? He’s a meticulous accountant who’s always on time – except when it comes to parking.

Interesting. May I add that he's got this reputation for being the most punctual guy at work, but his parking obsession is his downfall?

Yes! And he could have a rivalry with another guy who always gets the perfect spot just before he does!

Now you're talking! They can have these silent confrontations every morning in the parking lot, too.

And one day, Stan finally gets the perfect spot, but his car gets towed!

They all laugh, enjoying the brainstorming session.

Alright, we’ve got the main plot, but what's the subplot like?

How about something with a quirky neighbor who has a bizarre hobby? Like collecting doorknobs.

Hey, what's so bizarre about collecting doorknobs?

Kramer, do you collect doorknobs?

No! But it’s a perfectly legitimate hobby.

Okay, okay. So, we’ve got Stan and his parking obsession, and the quirky neighbor with the doorknob collection...

And the neighbor could be really passionate about it, giving these long-winded speeches about the history and importance of each doorknob.

And they can have this epic showdown where Stan needs to borrow a doorknob for his front door, but the neighbor refuses because it’s a rare 19th-century piece!

This is gold, Jerry. Gold!

Kaching! This is more than enough. Let's own this challenge!

Well, of course paper beats rock. It's not like some Squinchent could shred a printed academic essay into a pile o' confetti.

Yeah, but there's no doubt that scissors would do just that.

True. Now what beats scissors?

Kramer enters.

Hey, did you see that new episode of The Big Bang Theory?

...Oh, this is perfect.

How come?

Because Spock smashes scissors.

Ahh, but can he beat a lizard?

Kramer, why is there an iguana on your shoulder?

You mean Iggy? Got 'em for $60 at Petco. Not only do I like a good iguana that'll grow to be buff, but I also liked that Koopaling.

Maybe you were looking for a Komodo dragon?

Jerry, the Komodo dragon is a venomous beast.

Yeah. No doubt, it's as armed and dangerous as a Koopaling. Eh, whatever. A lizard's a lizard. Let's get that out of the way.

...Oh. Well. I guess lizard does poison Spock.

Live long and prosper, Iggy.

Here ya go, Iggy. A nice leaf.

Kramer exits.

And then the hawk swoops down and snatches that lizard.

Ca-caw! Rahhhh!

Ah, snap. Of course it's the neighborhood hawk who steals the show.

...Oh! Jerry! You're not gonna believe this.

Huh?

At long last... it's open.

What's open?

The wiki. The wiki, Jerry! After seven months... seven long months! I can finally make an article again!

Well... that thing was locked longer than Alcatraz? Do you have any idea as to what happened?

Judging. It's been saying that this whole time.

Judging? That's just ghosting with extra steps.

Oh, the wiki's back?

Yep! I can finally add some lore as to how I got bumped by an elephant seal.

An elephant seal? Why would such an event be in an article like that?

I'm notable, Jerry! "Notable incidents"!

Please, the only notable thing from the hiatus was someone in an apparent "Jr." wiki who added a whole fake section about Kramer inventing “anti-gravity socks.”

Kramer slides into the booth.

Those weren’t fake! I was experimenting with helium-infused textiles. I got a sock to hover once for, like… two seconds!

Kramer, that was a bag of marshmallows and a hairdryer.

Heh, still counts!

And remember that anonymous edit that claimed Jerry dated a woman who only communicated using emojis?

Oh, she was definitely real. Her name was Tiffany. She sent a seal emoji every once in a while.

And you stayed with her?

I didn’t want to misread a breakup emoji.

The weirdest part of the hiatus? That day we all tried to talk about changes we wanted to make… offline.

Oh yeah, the wiki summit! I remember that!

All I remember is George yelling, “The continuity is a lie!” while holding a corkboard with string on it.

It is a lie! How can I be born in May and be a Leo?

(facepalming) Because someone changed your birthday to line up with Fleet Week.

I respect that.

So what’s the plan? We storm in the Main Page? Fix everything?

No, no. We make one edit. Something so tiny, so pointless, no one can argue it.

Like changing my height from 5’5” to “tall enough emotionally”?

Even better.

(V.O.) We move a comma.