Death Note

This page contains unmarked spoilers for Death Note. Spoilers are unmarked because this page is retelling the story of Death Note using dia boxes. Please proceed with caution if you have not read the source material.

Not to be confused with Seal Note or Deaeth note.

Death Note is an anime about

Actually, you know what? This is a confusing page after all! So to make things a little clearer, instead of telling you, I'll just show you!

Disclaimer: This entry is merely a wiki dramatization of the popular anime "Death Note." No camp characters, shinigami, or Misas were harmed in the making of this entry. You can decide for yourself if that's true of everyone else.

In the shinigami realm...

Gee, it sure is boring around here!

MAH BOI, this peace is what all true shinigami strive FOR.

I just wonder what the humans are up to.

At school

Chemistry is the study of matter. But I prefer to see it as the study of change. Now just. just think about this. Electrons. They. Change their energy level. Molecules. Molecules change their bonds. Elements they combine and change into compounds. Well that's. That's all of life. Right? It's just. It's the constant. It's the cycle. It's solution. Dissolution. Over and over and over.

I wish this class was over!

Oh ho ho ho!

Hey! Aren't you two a little too old to be in high school?

What? No! We're seniors!

Senior citizens!

Oh ho ho ho!

Grrr I hate school! All the other students are so annoying and stupid and boring. I wish something interesting would just fall out of the sky.

wow. um. ok.

Outside school

Death Note, huh?

The human whose name is written in this note shall die.

...This feels... familiar somehow...

One week earlier...

Seal Note, huh?

The seal whose name is written in this note shall be created...

what a load of crap

Present day

what a load of crap

It's obviously some prank. I'm way too smart to fall for something like that.

oh hey! free notebook!

BACK OFF JURTA IT'S MINE

ok.

That night, at cram school...

Cripes there's so many rules... This note will not take effect unless the writer has the person's face in their mind when writing their name... If you don't write cause of death within 40 seconds, the person will die of a heart attack...

...You know what would be funny? If I wrote someone's name in here. Like. Ironically. Of course.

...Grr, is that Vandalism on The Wiki Camp 2?

...I could always put it in the notebook!

Wait. That won't work. Vandalism on The Wiki Camp 2 doesn't have a face. I guess I'll have to figure out something else...

At the convenience store...

Hey can I have a

OMFG ur light yagami from death note?!?!!!111one i'd LUV to help but unfortunately we r bein robbed DX

Robbed?!

Ha! This dinky little 7/11 is no match for Ultimate Heister Toy Blocks!

omg i no u!!! aren't u bajaBlaster005?

ghk!

PLEASE SHUT THE FUCK UP.

So her name is Toy Blocks, huh?

She is a criminal after all, I might as well test the note with her. Um. Ironically. Of course. Toy Blocks. Exploded by microwave.

Alright! Now that I've stolen this fine establishment's Pop Tarts, I'll cook these bad boys in the microwave. Stacking them, of course!

38... 39... 40...

Ah, so it's a fr-

WTF!!!!!! SHE 'SPLODED?!?! LIGHT DID U SEE THAT? DX

She-She actually died???? I killed her! No farkin' way!

At the Yagami residence...

That thief... actually died by my hands!

Light! Do you want to watch The Simpsons with me?

Dammit Sayu! Now isn't the time!

...What episode?

Yuri (character)

Sure, but only for a bit...

Huh? this isn't Yuri (character)

Well you can't blame me for the TV Guide's mistakes

She's just like me for real...

I love watching The Simpsons with you Sayu, but I think I ought to go study now.

In Light's room

Wew, what a day! I had a math test, a presentation, I killed someone, and I still need to narrow down my list of colleges. Just a day in the life of a high school senior!

Sounds stressful. Why don't you go watch more Simpsons with your sister?

AH, MONSTER!

I'm no-

AH, MONSTER!

I-

AH, MONSTER!

Are you done?

Just one more.

AH, MONSTER!

Ok we're good.

I'm not a monster, I'm a shinigami. And you have my notebook.

Oh. I suppose you want it back.

Eh, not really. Besides, even if I did want it back, it's now yours, at least until you relinquish it.

And by the way, by writing in that book, you're pretty much guaranteed not to go to heaven or hell.

That's fine. I was never going to heaven anyway.

Hahaha! Love to hear it. You really did a number on that Ultimate Heist Crew human, by the by.

You mean... There's an Ulimate Heist Crew?!

That's the problem with society today, Ryuk. So many criminals! What we need is justice! Retribution! And what better choice to dish it out then some random 17 year old boy? Maybe that's why I was destined to receive this notebook!

I don't know about this destiny crap. I literally just dropped it in the human realm. On purpose, in fact.

You-Why would you do something like that with such a powerful tool?

funy

Besides, it's not like that was my only notebook.

Take a look at this Bad Boy. I tricked The Divine Goddess and the Board of Shareholders to give it to me at the last board meeting!

The Divine Goddess?! Such a character truly exists?!

What are you, some kind of irreverent nonbeliever?

Quite the opposite, Ryuk. In fact, with this notebook, I intend on surpassing even The Divine Goddess and becoming god of the new world!

Dang, you have some high standards.

I always knew I was destined for greatness, and it's important I start thinking of my career since I'm about to head into university. Though I can't bring much change as I would like as a police officer, or schoolteacher, or... god forbid, a wiki editor... Fuck no! God of the new world seems like an ideal career path.

Now let's look up this so called "Heist Crew."

Huh, looks like this crew has their own website, with names, faces, and everything.

This will be TOO easy.

Shit sorry I didn't mean to turn on that red lamp.

It's ok Ryuk just turn it off.

Thank you

At yarget

Um, excuse me? This is The Ultimate Heist Crew Headquarters

Um...

CHANGE IT NOW.

At The Ultimate Heist Crew Headquarters

There! Now that we've dealt with that, we can bring the meeting of The Ultimate Heist Crew to order!

Where's Toy Blocks?

Probably decided they were too good for us!

Can you please get out of my Yarget?

No! We need to get to our first order of business! What did everyone steal this week?

I stole a-

BISCUITS AND GRAVEY! FAE IS HAVING A DING DONG HEART ATTACK.

You know who ELSE is having a heart attack?

MY M-

GADFUCKINGZOOKS. ALL OF THEM ARE HAVING HEART ATTACKS! WHAT IN THE SAM FUCK IS HAPPENING?!

...Even worse, I have to clean this all up...

Back in Light's room

So if this thing works, some of the worst criminals the world has to offer are dead. I wonder how long it'll take people to realize something is up.

At the police station, the next morning...

CHIEF! CHIEF! CHIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEF!

Matsuda I'm right here

Chief Yagami those guys we were going after! They all died! Every last one of them!

Oh well, I'm sure it's nothing.

One week later, at the police summit being held because so many criminals died

erm... awk-WARD....

Matsuda shut up this is important.

So, it seems, all the world's criminals are dying left and right.

This is a puzzle of a puzzle, and you know I can't let a puzzle be unsolvable, so I got the world's greatest detective, L, to help us out!

WOW! L! who is l?

A mysterious detective. They say he's never shown his face...

What's up gamers it's me, L from Death Note, and today, I'm gonna try my hand at solving the murder case. Yea that's right! MURDER!

So, here's what I got so far. I'm pretty sure our murderer lives somewhere in Japan, they probably need just a face and name to kill someone, and I'm almost certain they have access to a popular wiki.

Huh? What makes you say that?

Well for one, haven't you noticed all the red and blue links around?

What are you talking abo-

OMIGOSH! Chief! Are you seeing this?! It's so cool!

Matsuda! This is serious! Stop spamming links everywhere.

sorry

So I'd like to work with the Japanese police

Very well! We'll give you our full support!

hmph why does he get to use links?

In Light's room again

Wanna watch Pound Puppies?

ok

-he murders of various criminals, by an individual the internet has taken to calling Kira. The J-

This isn't Pound Puppies!

Ryuk shut the fuck up this is about me.

-hend and arrest Kira for his crimes, led by World Famous Detective L. L, famed for never showing his face, is here to give a public message to Kira. Take it away L!

Hello.

My name is Weird L Yankovic.

Otherwise known as L.

This message goes out to Kira.

I want you to look very closely at your TV screen for what I'm about to say.

Are... are you looking closely? I'm just. I'm gonna send the thing

HA! NICE JOB KIRA, YOU FELL FOR THE OL' CHICKEN GAME PRANK! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Dammit! Weird L got me!

But little does he know... I have his name and face now! Not only will I write the names of criminals, but from this point on I'll also write down the name of anyone who tries to stop me!

This could have been fun, Weird L, but you showed your cards too early!

No but seriously Kira, we are coming after you, and someday I'll get y-

Shit fuck damn crap he's having a heart attack! CUT TO COMMERCI-

Oh. um. awk. ward... That wasn't actually me, that was a polka musician who was scheduled for public execution tomorrow afternoon.

Dammit!!! That wasn't the real L?!

Really fucked up of you that you would kill someone impersonating me... Almost as if you intend to kill anyone who gets in your way. But it gave me a lot of information. You only need a face and name to kill. You're in the Kanto region of Japan. And, if I had to guess, you're probably some immature high school or college student who hates to lose.

So Kira, as the kids say...

Cope and seethe.

Hahahaha. Wow Light. You really took the L on that one.

GOD DAMMIT! That bastard! Mark my fucking words L, I'm gonna find you! And when I do, I'm gonna kill you DEAD!

At the police station

RING RING!!!

Hello police station. Coolguy Push Dagger speaking.

im kira

No you're not. Bye.

Hey, you probably shouldn't answer Cellphone with your name considering we're on the Kira Task Force.

Then HOW are all the people claiming to be Kira for CLOUT gonna know I'm cooler than them?

LiSt is right, Push Dagger. Keeping a low profile is ideal. I mean. Look at me.

Hey hold on yeah! How come we're risking ourselves, giving away our names and faces while you're behind that damn computer?

Matsuda that's out of line!

No he's right. Let's meet IRL.

Wow. What happened to low profile?

Sorry for being a sad lonely man. Also I figure this will make up for the fact that I've gotten FBI agents to track you and your families.

fucking what

On the street somewhere...

...

...

...

You should kill me.

What?!

Not... Not me-me! Kill me! The... Me in front of us!

Ryuk. There's no way I'm writing my name in the notebook. I'll probably end up dead.

But it'd be funny.

No, end of discussion.

Are you sure you want to end this discussion, because I was just about to tell you about the weird guy who has been following you.

The what

Urk!

Okay. Don't panic. I just need to figure out his name. Then I can eliminate him.

Hey, I noticed we're going the same way. I'm Light. What's your name?

DAMMIT! He's just making crumply paper noises! Clearly I need to do more research...

At the Yagami household...

Hmph. It's no problem. It's not like that damn seal was a government agent or anything. I mean, it's not like they've broken into my room.

In Light's room...

I can't believe it! That damn seal was probably a government agent! And someone broke into my room!

Luckily they didn't steal the notebook.

That's because I've hidden the it in a secret compartment. And as to not rouse any suspicion, I've placed a yaoi manga in the main drawer compartment. That way, it'll be apparent that the only secret Light Yagami is hiding is that he is gay. But if anyone is still curious, they'll find opening the secret compartment in the wrong way blows up the entire fucking house.

...You're off your absolute gourd.

Paper Niko's Hotel

That night, at dinner

Kids, I just want you to know that if you have any secrets, you can share them with me. I won't judge.

Huh?

Well Sayu, the world is a cruel place. And sometimes people might keep secrets because they're afraid of others getting hurt.

To show there's no secrets here, I just want you to know, I'm on the Kira case at work.

Oh wow dad!

WOW EPIC.

It is "epic," as you say, but it's also dangerous. Kira needs only a name and face to kill. So, I could die. But I'm a brave man...

But there are a lot of ways to be brave. For example, sometimes being brave is expressing who you are... and who you love.

He's looking right at me.

My dad thinks I'm gay.

Heh. Just as planned.

The next day, on the street...

Ok so I found 87 video cameras in your bedroom.

Literally 1984...

I said 87 not 1984.

Whatever. Ryuk, between the acts of murder and the god complexes, I've been doing a bit of research. Have you heard of the Toba Aquarium?

I don't pay attention to your human farces.

Not even... seals?

...Yeah no.

Well, it's pretty silly, but they have a seal there named Niko who looks suspiciously like our paper stalker... I figure, if I write that name, Paper Niko in the notebook, I should be able to eliminate him.

Feh, "eliminate." What is this? Inanimate Insanity?

Paper Niko's Hotel

!

That night, at another, unrelated hotel

Hotel Party! Hotel Party!

Hotel Party! Hotel Party!

This isn't a hotel party! This is an important meeting with L!

And yet. We were all given party hats...

That's our cover, you clowns!

Oh hey y'all here for the hotel party?

Is that?

Some of you guys may be wondering: "Is that?" I deduced that because I heard one of you say that out loud. And the answer is yes. I am L.

Really?! But you're such a...

I suggest you watch what comes out of your mouth next, Chief Yagami. Remember: Words Hurt.

Anyway I've taken the liberty of giving you all fake IDs in order to prevent Kira from killing you.

In addition, I've narrowed down the suspect list-

Hi!

Not you... Also, I suggest we not use our real names so freely. In these meetings, you can call me Ryuzaki.

Cool beans!

Anyways, I've narrowed down the suspect li-Our catalog of suspects. Good news, since I'm not dead none of you are suspects.

Sick.

The bad news is one of my top agents, Paper Niko died of a heart attack yesterday. This means my top suspects are those who he was investigating...

A number of families connected to the Japanese police, of particular note... Chief Yagami's family.

ok that's bullshit

Is it? Tell me Chief Yagami, has your family been acting weird lately?

Well, Light's been holed up in his room for a while! But he has entrance exams to study for! The only morally questionable thing he's probably doing right now is spoiling his dinner by eating potato chips!

Meanwhile, in Light's room...

Back at the hotel

Entrance exams, huh? Perhaps a second public appearance is in order.

At the entrance exams, a few days later

Gee willikers it's so great being a normal high school dude about to take the entrance exams!

Likewise, my dude! I spent so much time studying and no time at all doing other things.

I know that's right. Good luck on the exam, my normal high school friend.

Same to you! If you need me I'm going to be a normal boy taking his seat.

Wow I'm so good at blending in.

Wow I'm so good at blending in.

After the entrance exams, at the police station...

Dad, I finished my exams, So I stopped by!

Hey Light! Your dad is still working.

Mate, who is this?

I'm not sure. Whoever this is, they keep making crumpled paper noises.

This creature looks similar to that other one! But what name would this one have? Pumpkin Paper Niko? Paper Niko Pumpkin? Paper Numpkin? Paper Napkin?! Dammit! What's your name?!

You know Light. I never told you this before, but I can give you shinigami eyes for half of your remaining lifespan.

How will that help!?! I need to know this guy's name! I don't need to know if they're a trans ally or not! Of course I'm not taking the deal!

I'll just write down various combinations of Paper, Niko, and Pumpkin until something lands.

That night, in Light's room

Well, it's been seven hours. I give up. Are any of these it, Ryuk?

Yeah. The tenth one you wrote.

I hate you Ryuk.

Some time later, at Light's convocation

On my way to a good school, a good career, and a good place as god of the new world...

Everything's coming up Light!

Oh hey, it's that normal guy who doesn't suspect I'm Kira at all! Looks like the two of us scored highest on the entrance exam.

H-

I wanted to tell you that I'm L.

What the hell?!

Oh shit!

And you are currently my prime suspect in the Kira case.

OH SHIT!

Goddammit! He's onto me! I can't let him suspect I'm Kira more than he does! I gotta act calm and natural.

What's an L?

Fucking nailed it.

He's so calm about all this. Clearly my best course of action is to do something wild.

Do you want to help me work on the Kira case?

What is this guy's game?! If I decline him, he'll know I'm Kira! But at the same time... Maybe he's expecting Kira to waltz in and take over the case! I can't do that either! But if I say no, he'll know I thought about taking over the case.

So, which will it be, Light Yagami? Will you force yourself to uncover your true identity? Or will you hide in the shadows because you truly are Kira? Or perhaps you'll join the task force to keep yourself hidden in plain sight... It's a real Catch-22.

He's absolutely trapped me. The only thing I can do is use his own way of thinking against him!

Let's play tennis.

Clever move, Light... You astute bitch.

On the tennis court

Now for the big question. Do I let him win? He's probably figured out by now that Kira hates losing. But if I let him win, he'll presume I'm trying to hide my identity...

I know Kira hates to lose but. Like. Who doesn't.

There's just one thing that vexes me.

Light. If we're on a tennis court... Why are we playing Wii Tennis?

idk man freshman orientation is crazy

Humans sure are interesting...

Whatever let's just play

Woweewoo! I won! Yippee!

God I hope this doesn't foreshadow anything... Anywho, what do you think about joining your father and I on the Kira case?

uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh k

Back at home

Dammit! L's way too close to finding me out! Oh well, at least it can't get any worse, right

Hello everyone! My name is Kira!

You've gotta be farkin kidding...

I bet some of you at home are like. "You've gotta be farkin kidding..." Well great news! I'm not! And if you don't believe me! Change the channel 9! I'll be putting the die in Diary!

Does this impostor possibly have a notebook. I need to change the channel to see!

He's going to put the what in AUUUGH!

P-press F to pay respe-guh....

F

SHUT UP RYUK!

Haha! Yeah! I totally did that. Anyway, I just want you all to know that I believe in justice, and I'm willing to work with the police if need be to punish criminals! I have a bunch of these messages to send y'all via the news so I hope you treat me really niceys! Byeeeeee! <3

How did he say a heart?

There's more important matters at hand! Like. Who is this second Kira and how did they get a second book?!

Misa's House

And so the shinigami Gelus risked his life to save you, giving you all his remaining years. And that's why I've come down to give you his notebook

so basically i live forever right

That's not necessarily-

You shinigami, already pushing the limits of mortality live for hundreds and hundreds of years off the deaths of humans. And I got all his years? For me? For Misa? A potential hundreds of years for a person whose species only lives tens of them?

I suppose that's tr-

I LIVE FOREVER BITCHESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

You did trade half your lifespan for shinigami eyes though.

Oh my god who cares? WHO! CARES?!?! For a human what's the difference between 1000 and 2000 years?!

Besides! I need these eyes to find Kira! And thank him for avenging the death of my parents! That's what all this news hype is about. I know all about this. I'm a model and all!

The next day, at the police station

Wewie. First day on the job. Just stay calm. It's not L knows there's two Kiras running around.

Hey guys. I don't know if any of you saw last night's news, but it seems we have two Kiras running around.

Damn he's good.

Two of them?! What makes you say that?

Well, Push Dagger, this second Kira seems a bit more sloppy than our original Kira. And you must keep in mind that Kira only kills criminals, or people standing in his way, while this one just killed an innocent.

So now we're dealing with the original Kira, and a second Kira, which I've taken to calling "Girl Kira."

Girl Kira?! How do you know they're a girl?!

Did... Did you not see the bow?

Anyway, I think the best way to calm the populace is to send a response from the "real" Kira. Light, do you think you could pretend to be Kira for the sake of the investigation.

Oh! Uh, sure!

LOL

LOL

At Misa's house, after the Kira Task Force did the thing

OMG OMG Rem are you seeing this?!

It looks like the news exposed you as a fraud. I'm sorry Misa

WRONG. This is a good thing actually. It means I'm one step closer to finding my new best friend Kira.

I'm gonna make a response! Right now!!!!

Misa's second broadcast

Hi guysssss, it's me! Girl Kira! You can tell I'm Girl Kira because of my giggles bow!

I just wanted to let y'all know that I wasn't the real Kira, and I apologize for scaring you! I was only looking for the real Kira! And he responded! So real Kira, this is for you: I'm a huge fan, and I want to thank you for all you've done, and maybe serve as an ally to you! I don't think you have the eyes but that's ok because I do!!! Yay!

Anyway, let's meet irl. We can show each other our shinigami to prove our identities! Doesn't that sound fun?

At the police station after the broadcast.

FUCKING WHAT

Ryuzaki! Are you good?

FUCKING SHINIGAMI???? YOU'RE TELLING ME I'M DEALING WITH FUCKING SHINIGAMI?????

Jesus Christ I'm not getting paid enough for this.

Wait. Did you think the guy who only needed a face and name to give people heart attacks had a non-supernatural explanation?

.......YES? ACTUALLY?

oh my god

Well, Ryuzaki, maybe shinigami is a codephrase that both Kiras know about.

GOD YOU IDIOT, why did you let L know about the shinigami!? And! The eyes for that matter?!?!?!

That seems like a really confusing thing to do

A confusing thing? You know what's a confusing thing, Push Dagger?! Whatever the two Kiras are using to kill those people! That's the big confusing thing to me!

Hmm... What if they're using notebooks to kill people?

No Matsuda, that would be fucking stupid.

At Misa's house

Hey Rem, can you rem-ind me-

What did I say about puns?

Oops! Sorry! Remind me why I can't see the lifespan of anyone with a notebook?

It's very simple really: idk

Truly beautiful, Rem...

Misa, you are truly a kind soul. I take back what I said. You can use puns as much as you like?

Awww Yays! You mean it Rem?! I'm gonna kill someone to celebrate!

At the police station

WHAT! Agu the seal is dead?!?!

Another seal taken by the hands of Kira!

Interesting. This would be the third seal killed by Kira, as Paper Niko and Paper Pumpkin were also Kira victims. I've worked with both of them in the United States. Both brilliant seals. What a tragedy.

But something doesn't add up. The most recent seal victim went by Agu as an alias. Only an elite few know that seal is actually named Hiyori.

OMFG!

This either means that Kira or Girl Kira has access to confidential seal files, or, the more likely option: Girl Kira only needs a face to kill people.

What the hell was that?!

Oh. Sorry. I have NerpaPunch notifications on my phone.

Well turn them off!

No.

Folks. I think it's worth pointing out that while the original Kira is more crafty, Girl Kira is objectively more dangerous, so we'll need to get her. In addition, I think she'll give us some hot deets on how to find the original.

I'll try to find her!

If this so-called "Girl" Kira is actually looking for me, I'll need to find them for myself.

Um... ok it's your funeral.

In the city

Misa. What are you wearing?

Oh Rem! Don't tell me you don't know what furries are!

Huh, humans are truly interesting

Hey, that's my line!

Get out you're not even in this scene

Anywho, I did not know you fit into the furry category.

They're so cute! Not to mention, it makes for a great disguise when I want to get away from the fans! Or I want to find Kira!

Misa, while I appreciate your gumption, I doubt you're gonna find Kira in some cr-

THERE HE IS!

Light Yagami, huh? Well, Light, expect a special guest at your home tonight!

At the Yagami household

DING DONG

We're not interested in what you're selling!

Ok b-WAIT! I'm not selling anything this time! I'm here to see Light! I'm his girlfriend!

his what

Aren't you gonna let me in?!

sure... whatever...

Sayu you can't just let in every door to door salesman.

Um. Light. It's me. your girlfriend... The one who was gonna let you borrow her notebook????

Borrow your n-

Don't look now Light but this girl's got a shinigami of her own.

Oh! Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooh!

Riiiiiiiiiiiiight, my girlfriend! Come on in. I can let you borrow one of my notebooks in return!

In Light's room...

So you're the second Kira, huh?

Yeppers! XP

So L was right about Girl Kira all along. Damn him!

I'll be honest, I was not expecting a girl.

What?! I even had a bow and everything!

She had a bow Light!

Quiet you!

Are you talking to your shinigami! Can I meet them?

Sure, it'll make things easier.

Top of the morning to ya!

This is Ryuk. He's a cringe fail shinigami who somehow managed to fool The Divine Goddess.

Yep that's me! Cringe and fail as they come!

Hi Ryuk. I can outdo you in a minute.

Oh you're on sister!

Please Misa, don't say that. You're incredibly based...

Rem, haven't you heard the phrase "I'm cringe but I'm free."

Hmm, very well.

I feel like I'm missing a vital piece of the conversation.

Oh! My b! Here ya go!

This is Rem. She's whatever I guess...

Nice to me-

I hate you. You smell like Axe Body Spray. And the only reason I haven't written your name in my notebook is because Misa likes you for some ungodly reason.

I thought Misa had your notebook.

You think pulling one over on The Divine Goddess is the only way to get a Death Note?

...Yes?

WRONG!

Oh, did I forget to mention. Rem knows how to kill a shinigami...

Oh interesting. I could use that.

No you couldn't.

No I couldn't. (´・ω・｀)

Anyway, I want to thank you for killing the madman who killed my parents and also I wanted to help you kill criminals and be your girlfriend for realsies.

How about all that, BUT you're just my girlfriend for pretendsies

You drive a hard bargain... but OKIE

I'm also going to need your eyes. There's this guy who's causing me a lot of trouble, L. I need you to kill him for me!

Anything for you, Light!

Back downstairs

Yeah Light has a girlfriend at college now!

A girlfriend?

Thank you Misa for coming ove-

Light. I hear something about you having a girlfriend? I'm a little surprised, but I'm still proud of you for finding such a nice young woman.

Surpri-

DAMMIT! My dad still thinks I'm gay! I need to come up with a response to appease him.

Uh... I'm... bi?

And I accept you, son! Love whoever you want to love, be it a woman, man or nonbinary person.

Hmph. Just as planned.

At Light's University

Hey Misa, this is Hideki Ryuga. My friend who I was telling you about last night.

that's not his fucking name.

Hideki. This is Misa. My girlfriend.

Pleased to meet you!

ok so that's absolutely girl kira

Wow, your girlfriend sure is cool, Light. Has she read Moby Dick.

...No?

I SAID. HAS SHE READ MOBY DICK?

Was... Was that the-

Yes Matsuda that was the fucking codeword.

OH FUCK. UHHHH. Misa Amane! You're under arrest for suspicions of being the second Kira!

I can't believe you forgot the codeword...

To be fair, you weren't very clear on it.

I forgot it too...

At the police station

So, Light, your new girlfriend turned out to be a Girl Kira.

I don't know if you're familiar with Among Us, but this behavior leads me to believe you are sus, as they say.

What?! I'm not sus! In fact, I'll prove it. I'll lock myself up with Misa, and if the killings continue, that'll prove I'm not Kira!

Interesting... I could imagine you claiming that just to throw me off your tail, but maybe I'll take you up on that offer

Hold on! I'm not comfortable with your insistence that my son is Kira! He's just a smol bi bean, as the kids say!

Dad, no one says that anymore.

It's true, no one has said that for at least ten years.

Who cares! I'm a dad! So it's in my nature to be unhip. And you know what else is in my nature? Loving and appreciating my son. He could never be Kira. I'll lock myself up with Light, and if the killings continue, that'll prove he's not Kira!

ummmmm k

Hehe. Neither of them have any idea...

Flashback

So Ryuk, what happens when someone gives up the Death Note?

They lose their memories of ever having the notebook.

Can they get them back?

Yes. So long as they are touching the notebook?

Perfect. Let's play a game. I'll give my notebook to Ryuk.

o...kay?

Now you give the notebook to Rem

I don't want it.

Take the fucking notebook.

Ok good. Now give it back to me.

What was the point of this?

You'll see. Now I'm giving the notebook to Noah.

I'm Noah!

AH! MONSTERS!

You see. Noah is one of the biggest Kira supporters. Now Noah can see you two. Rem, you will stick with Noah and make sure he writes down the names of criminals if I ever have to go to prison. And if that happens and I say "I give it up," regardless of context, assume I reliquinsh the notebook. Now give it back Noah.

oh ok.

Hey! I just thought of something. Wouldn't it be funny if Noah went by N and started investigating you if something were to happen to L

...Rem are you sure you won't tell me how to kill a shinigami.

Positive. Though it is tempting...

Presently, In The Prison

Wow I'm so lucky they put me in a normal prison for normal people.

Misa Amane, do you confess you're Girl Kira?

Eat dirt.

Oh that's not very nice.

We know you're Girl Kira. Don't even bother hiding it. I think the bigger question is, is Light the original Kira?

Are you?

Damn she's good.

Misa, you're a wreck. Do you want to give up your Death Note?

Sure, I mean. It's not like I can use it.

...Damn I must have gotten REAL fucked up at Coachella. Am I in prison?

In another cell

Time to unleash my master keikaku.

Hi ho, Kermit the Frog here. I just wanted to let you, the viewers at home, know that keikaku means plan.

Kermit, what are you doing here?

Oh, I got in some trouble with the law. Honestly, me and the guys are just lucky Kira hasn't gotten us yet. Right Ice Cube?

Yeah!

God I hope Noah kills those guys. Anyway

I give it up!

WTF!!!!!!!

WHADDA HELL AM I DOING IN JAIL. RYUZAKI GET ME OUTTA HERE.

Hey Ryuzaki, shouldn't we get him out?

nah

In a third cell

I hope Light is ok.

I wish I got the cell with Kermit in it.

Chief Yagami, you don't have to do this.

Aaaaaand he's not listening to me...

Two weeks later

Big news Ryuzaki! Killings started happening again!

I wouldn't say murders happening is good news, Matsuda.

I... You know what I mean!

Yeah, we can let out Light.

Hmm... Let's keep them for another two weeks. Just for fun. And let's not tell them the killings continued.

Wh- Why?!

funy

Two more weeks later

Okay. We can let them out now.

And yet. I find myself wondering... Are there any more Geneva Conventions I can violate?

Maybe I can ask Chief Yagami to threaten Light's life for the investigation...

ARE YOU FUCKING INSANE?

After everyone is released

So, it seems more killings have begun... Starting with Prisoner the seal two weeks ago.

You kept me in that cell for TWO WEEKS?!?!?!?!?! I don't even know what I did!

Hmm. I understand, It's probably because you had to confirm they were Kira kills, and not coincidence.

Sure let's go with that...

So I'll need your help on the investigation. In addition, I've hired two more known criminals to help on the case. Famed God of War warmonger TheLegend27, and lettuce themed supervillain Head of Lettuce

Hey now! Why introduce her first?! Does anyone even play God of War?!

Dangit! My army has been destroyed!

hehe

Two criminals: One without a name and the other without a face. Very clever L.

Thank you. I am a genius.

So, what exactly are we supposed to do? I have important camp things to attend to!

Hold on, I thought you were a politician!

Don't worry about it.

In addition. Light, you and I will need to be handcuffed together 24/7.

What?! But Light and I have to go on dates!

I'm sure we can have fun with the three of us.

Day 6 of Light and L being handcuffed together

Green Liiiiiiiight

RED LIGHT!

I take it back. This is the most miserable I've ever been in my entire life.

Day 10 of Light and L being handcuffed together

So how did you get two criminals working on the Kira case?

Blackmail, primarily.

Blackmail?

You see, I had some incriminating information on Head of Lettuce tying thon to a manslaughter case.

I'm a little surprised thon fell for it, as thon's still... well... a supervillain.

I presume leaf is either terrified of Kira, or has plans to jump into politics once again. Likely the latter.

Well I wouldn't vote for leaf!

As for TheLegend27, I hacked into her God of War account.

Surprisingly, the password was merely password.

Threatening to delete her data got her on my side rather easily.

They are good assets to have, though I doubt they're much of investigators.

YO MR. RYUZAKI! someone's at the door

who is it

hello, l

We found our guy. He calls himself Noah the Third Kira.

Thir-god dammit there's three of them now.

You'll never take me alive!

We found a couple other things. We found the last living Ultimate Heist Crew member. He apparently never noticed Kira tried to kill him because cats have 9 lives.

kira tried to kill me?! i'm so... hurta... 😭

oh hey light! i haven't seen you since high school! how's it going?

Hi Jurta! It's going

There was also a notebook at the scene.

Head of Lettuce grabbed it and cried because thon saw a monster.

Hey! I did NOT cry! I was just... startled is all!

baby.

SCREW YOU!

Let me see the notebook. It may be useful in the case, but I'm sure there isn't a monst-

Oh my god there's monsters.

Shinigami... perhaps?

Unfortunately, this means Matsuda was right about the notebooks as the murder weapon. I can hear his ghost mocking me right now.

Wh- Ryuzaki, I'm not dead!

What? The notebook? Ryuzaki let me see that.

HOLY SHIT!

Haha! You cried more than Head of Lettuce

SHUT UP!

So, Noah was captured and the notebook was returned to me. Just as planned...

But him being revealed as the third Kira and Jurta?!! Of all people! Still being alive! They have connections to me!

I need to get the upper hand on this, but how...

I put some fake rules in the notebook, to throw L for a loop. But I need something more!

Light.

Hmm?

We no longer need to be chained together. I think I have all the information I need. And Noah fence, but you are so. so annoying.

Yeah. I get that a lot...

He absolutely knows. I'm screwed unless I act now.

Later, in a different room

So, Rem.

Don't talk to me.

Hey, it's cool. It's cool. I just wanted to let you know our side might be losing sometime soon. I might be caught...

The sooner the better, I say.

Well, I mean, if I get caught, so does Misa. I might have to write her name in the notebook. I bring this up because I know you want to protect Misa, right?

Alright. I'm listening...

I just need you to kill L.

Light. What you're asking of me...

You just need to write a measly little name. Then Misa and I can live happily ever after.

...Very well. If Misa ends up in true danger, I'll kill L.

YUSSSSSSSS

Hi Guys! What were you talking about?

...Girls.

In the main room

so if you were to kill like. zeus or hera or something basically the entire greek pantheon would come for your ass, so i suggest starting elsewhere

...WHAT?

Jurta, we asked you if you had any details regarding the murder of your team. I'm not sure what exactly you're talking about now.

I mean, I'm interested regardless. Keep going, Jurta!

So, Ryuk was it? I presume you aren't going to help much with the case?

Yeah, sorry. I don't have any stakes in this. I mean, Light is kind of my best friend buuuut...

Light is your best friend?

...shit.

Back in the different room

Light. Light. Light I think I fucked up.

No worries. I knew you would blabber the moment you spoke to another human. If I'm caught I just use the notebook and the other two end up as collateral

Not on my watch!

Back again in the first room

Hey is anyone else hu-HOUGH

Ryuzaki! What's going on?!

it's kira! it has to be!

Kira must have found out his name...

He lived. He served. He died.

This article is dedicated to the late L.
Fly high, sweet angel...

And in the other room again

Holy shit Rem are you good?

394x394px

This... This was the way to kill a shinigami?

Yep. Looks like her love for a human did her in.

And that should mean L is dead too now...

Looks like everything is coming up Kira.

THE END (for now)